So we're spending the 4th at my parents house, and I am sleeping in my brother's bed (who wasn't home). She's been a little sick so after hardly any sleep and a fussy toddler, I bring her into his full size bed with me (which is tiny compared to our king). Pillow barrier in place, now let's get some rest.
Sleep is elusive, especially with the tossing and turning of a little one, but I close my eyes hoping for some. It must've been longer than I thought because the next thing I hear...thud! I hear Lily cry out and in the dark I realize I am now alone in my bed. I reach down between the odd crack between the bed and wall that doesn't make any sense and feel the pillow I put down as protection. So much for that barrier. I grab a leg (I'm still blind at this point from the pitch black) and eventually feel for the body and pull it up. Hoping the pillow broke her fall somehow (even though I heard a thud), I realize her feet were protected but nothing else. Great. I pull her up and she falls right back to sleep, if she ever even woke up at all except for the small cry I heard.
I bring her up on the bed feeling terrible, but she is fast asleep. I lay down next to her, wide awake. Did that really just happen? I hold my hand over her chest, check her breathing, her heart rate. How bad did she hit her head? Did she hit her head? I scan her face and head, checking for knots, bumps or bruises. I turn on the hall light for back up, I see nothing. No blood. No bump, red mark, nothing. Is that good? Isn't it bad when they hit themselves and you see nothing? What if there's internal bleeding? The traumatic stories of those kids who bumped their heads and never woke up start to creep in.
Panic. Fear. Her heart rate is really fast at this point, but aren't all children's heart rates super fast when they're young? Yes, but, what if it's too fast? What if somethings happening and I have no idea? I keep my hand on her chest, feel the breathing and pulse. I'll just stay awake all night and make sure she's okay. Surely I would notice if something went wrong. What goes first, the heart rate or the breathing? That's dumb, of course the breathing, right? Maybe I should call someone and just make sure. It's 5:35 am. Who can I call? Justin should be waking up soon, I should call him. What's he going to do? What's he going to say? I don't wanna tell him I just let his daughter go head first off the bed...
My friend who's kid bumped his head a few times? His tumble was way worse. He was okay. Should I just get some reassurance from her? No...she's probably sleeping.. Maybe I should go get my mom, she'll know what to do. No, I'll let her sleep until morning, then she can take over. But, maybe I should just have her watch her, she could do a better job, I mean, I'm the one who let her fall out of the bed.
What is it they say, a fall is only bad if its from higher than their height? This bed is way taller, it's too tall. Why is this bed so high up? Ugh...I knew I should've pushed the bed farther to the wall earlier!
Doubt. Insecurity.
How do people do this? How do they keep their kids alive? How can I possibly be responsible for someone's life...how could I ever have another kid? I can't even keep this one safe, how do people with multiple children do it? How do the Duggars do it? Well, by that point I'm sure the collective group is considered one entity instead of individuals and all the siblings raise the other ones so maybe they don't count.
Ok, maybe if I just woke her for a bit, and made sure she wakes up and is ok, then I can stop worrying. If she knows how to drink water, brain functionality must be normal then. But if I wake her, what if she takes forever to go back to sleep? It's already been a long night, what if it just makes her mad? What if I can't get her up? What if she's stuck in a perpetual dream like state, a coma? Okay, wake her up. I sit up in the bed making her sit up with me. She's like putty. I grab her water/juice cup and give it to her to drink.
I see eyes. Thank God. I give her her drink and she starts downing the water. She's probably thirsty. Okay, this is good. Now I know she's functional. She coughs a bit from her cold or whatever has overtaken her the last few hours and I decide I'd have a better hold on her in the living room chair for some odd reason. She curls up on me and falls right back to sleep. Well at least I didn't have to deal with getting her back down, that was easy. She must be tired.
Well, this is pointless. Why am I in the living room?
I walk back and head toward Lily's room. We'll sit in here for a bit. The pale blue light peaks through the cracks in the blinds. I look over, 5:51 am. It's only been less than 20 minutes!? Feels more like a lifetime has gone by. I keep rocking, she's breathing heavy and steady, snuggled up on my chest. I think she'll be fine. I should just go lay her down in her crib and go to bed.
I hear actual roosters crowing. That's a first. They must be pretty far away, but I can hear them. It's probably that horse farm behind my parents house. The birds start chirping. It's almost morning. I think I'll just stay here and hold her just a little longer...
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